Well folks, that time of the week has arrived. Time to rail at the fascinating stupidity that is Bravo’s Work of Art: The Next Great Artist (called WoA or WANGA by differing folks). Last week juvenile cartoonist Jamie Lynn got eliminated. Who shall it be this week? Hang with me, and you will see.
10:00: And we’re off! last week Jamie Lynn lost (see above) Jaqueline/Jacklyn/Boobs whatever won with her panopticon whatever GET TO THE BAD ART.
10:01: I am so bored of Erik and his sad sob story and his lack of training. But he and Mark are the everyman, so they are buddies. They are boring. And, again, WHAT IS PERREGRIN/PERRIN/PIPPIN WEARING?!?! I don’t understand.
10:02: Yvonne Force Villareal public art talk talk hipster glasses talk talk PRADA MARFA talk talk.
10:03: PUBLIC ART! Working in teams! Two days! ARTISTS DON’T WORK WELL WITH PEOPLE. I see Miles exploding, potentially. No one likes anyone else’s art except for Nicole and Miles, they like each other, so hopefully blood will be shed.
10:04: Miles would want a tree fort. Peregrin would love it. Jacqueline and Erik would hate it. Clearly Miles is the only person who knows what he is talking about here. And, of course, Nicole takes over her team. Nicole and Miles are winners.
10:06: FLASHBACK TO THE PAST. Somehow I feel that the paint tubes were rigged, but we’ll see. Also, are they required to say “Utrecht” at least once an episode?
10:07: Nicole’s sketches look a bit derivative of Robert Smithson. Just saying.
10:08: Erik is sad because no one likes his stupid vines.
10:09: SO MEAN RYAN! “As long as it doesn’t fall apart when Jerry Saltz jumps on it.” Cannot WAIT to see how Jerry Saltz reacts to that tomorrow.
10:10: Oh God someone’s gonna lose a finger. I mean, I hope not. Also, Ryan just growled at the camera. I maybe like him a little bit more this week, but that isn’t saying much considering my general loathing of his hipster poseur ass.
10:15: Why does Miles walk around with the sheet around his body? Does he sleep sans the clothes? Can he not put on boxers before emerging from the bed? I have no idea.
10:17: And why does Nicole have eye black on? Is she attempting to be Tim Tebow?
10:17b: So I guess all finger-lossage will be told via story, thanks Ryan, for covering that.
10:18: Miles can do EVERYTHING he is a wunderkind. And Erik, snake scales is the WORST. IDEA. EVER. It sounds so dreadful. Truly. However, I appreciate your trying to play the game.
10:20: Simon! And his comb-over!
10:21: Erik, once again, bitching about the “art school crap.” Blue collar hatred for the educated. Buuuuuurrrrrn. Whoa, and now Erik is totally attacking Miles, and calling him an actor. His inferiority complex is utterly astounding.
10:24: Erik just called Miles a “stuck-up art pussy.” What a douchebag.
10:27: And of course commercial artist Mark is all: “woo yay Erik.” Y’all should go on a design show, for rizzles.
10:28: Adventures in art handling! And chain smoking!
10:30: Abdi’s role in this show is “wide eyed innocent.” Yawnface.
10:31: “Miles is a total douche but it is exactly what i expected from trained artists who have their heads up their ass.” Exactly what I expected from culture-lacking unemployed losers. Erik is such a failure.
10:32: Although I’m not sure how i feel about Red Team’s piece, I think their coherent teamwork and love will give them a boost. Aaaand Ryan just curtsied to Simon.
10:33: Ryan describes Blue Team’s piece as “A weird tree house constructed by a meth addict.”
10:37: Why does everyone dislike Miles so much? Oh yeah, you’re THREATENED.
10:40: FINISHED PIECES. ENTER JUDGES. Oooh I like China’s earrings, for once.
10:41: So who do they pay to come mill about these things anyways? Blue team’s piece is called “Scale” and Jerry and Jeane and the other judges climbing into it is adorable.
10:42: Red Team’s piece is “The Noumenon” and it is so derivative of early Robert Smithson. Aaand China’s on top.
10:43: I love, during the team-speak, that Miles is hanging out in these Bob Dylanesque glasses and looking totally blaaaaaargh. I love you, Jerry Saltz, thank you for continuing to push and question Erik. “Why?” “Why not?” Yes, thank you Jerry.
10:44: While the Red Team had better team work, they have the sort of more…boring-y piece. I don’t know, I’m not feeling it. Maybe I’d like it better in person.
10:45: Crit in the gallery it is on. Erik looks like he is about to cry. Whoa, and Erik is questioning Jackie’s judgment. Erik is a destructive, horrible person. Miles is dead on–Erik’s problem is total insecurity. Jerry Saltz’s face is priceless. So is Jeanne’s mullet.
10:47: Placement of the piece…Oh man, Jerry Saltz totally just destroyed their feelings by the fact that the sky their piece faced was the whole left by the Twin Towers. Oh my God. Everyone’s face just collapsed. That was horrifying.
10:48: Green room argument. Everyone just abandoned Erik. Brilliant. Red Team critique!
10:49: Yvonne is wearing big satin shiny pink parachute pants and a shiny purple jacket. And Jeanne calls out my issue with the piece–how derivative it is.
10:51: Judge talk. Maybe the Red Team will win? Maybe its better in person? And yeah, they totally had better team work. But it is the kind of art that gives art a bad name.
10:52: Blue team judge talk. Site specificity, Jerry Saltz, climb me, blah blah, funk funk. Patchwork quilt blah blah smelled like cedar blah blah. Jerry Saltz of course you wouldn’t smell a thing you have Jewish old-person sinuses. And Yvonne presents the kumbayah let’s all make art together point of view.
10:55: Decision! Red Team wins! Because they didn’t fight! Blue team looks like they are going to cry. Nicole wins, but gets no immunity. But she does get to dance on the couch. Love her.
10:57: Blue team, you failed a lot. Although, China, I think the piece worked fine. Harsh. Although the teamwork failure is a valid statement. Holy shit, Miles don’t cry. BECAUSE YOU ARE SAFE. THEY FINALLY GOT RID OF ERIK. YAAAAAY. Erik is a massive failure. And a massive douche, as evidenced by his treatment of his three teammates.
Aaaaaand that is all for tonight. Next week, SoHo and pipe cleaners it looks like. Thank the heavens, Erik is gone.