Hi y’all, starting a little late tonight because I just got back from seeing Inception (cue loud blaring horn section sustained note).  Now remember, last week everyone’s favorite, whiny, down-on-his-luck, uneducated and untrained “artist” Eric got eliminated.

Allright!  Now onto this week’s stream-of-consciousness rant on how dreadful this show and its contestants are.  Except for Miles and Nicole, duh.

Recap–hey remember when Eric called everyone who knows about art an art pussy?  Fuck him.

Boys’ apartment!  Mark and Ryan are sad Erik’s gone, miles wants cornflakes and feels joy that Erik is gone.  And Abdi wants everyone to be friends.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP.  IT IS ABOUT COMPETITION.

Hahaha, Ryan was a Jehovah’s Witness.  That.  Is.  Hilarious.  Sorry about the estrangement, though.

Simon comes in with a FIELD TRIP.  Yay field trip!  Nicole says: “artists really love to see art and be around it.”  Shutup Nicole.  And Bravo?  The NYC Subway is NOT GLAMOROUS STOP MAKING IT GLAMOROUS.

Okay, I thought they were going to the New Museum.  But evidently they are at some children’s museum of art?  Children’s Museum of the Arts.  Challenge time:  Create a piece of art inspired by the experiences that made you want to be an artist.  And you can only do it using little kid materials.  Okay, that’s sort of awesome.  And Miles is freaking out because he can’t make screen prints or like, use plywood or semen.  Embrace the popsicle sticks Miles!  Jaclyn isn’t excited either, probably because she can’t get naked, because that is neither safe for work nor safe for children.

Ryan has twenty-four dollars to his name.  He needs any amount of dollars.

Wow Nicole’s father is mean and denied her artistic vision as a child.  He sucks.

Ungh, this episode is really bringing up the parental issues isn’t it.  Abdi, what is it with the superhero pictures?  If you wanted to do superhero pictures you should’ve gone into sequential art and/or comics and/or storyboarding.

“Make the challenge work for your art, not vice versa.”  Well done Miles.  Although I’m not sure you’re going that far back into the childhood era, kiddo.

Oh dear, let us see what Jaclyn’s damage was.  Wah I was lonely and ate my lunch alone in the bathroom stall, like Cady at the beginning of Mean Girls.

Wow the kid’s art room has a giant ball pit.  I mean a pit full of giant balls.  None of this sounds correct.  Dammit.  And no, Nicole, kids cannot have knives, or staplers.

Mark is now going to talk about growing up a border child in California or something.  Or how he was poor, and from the other side of the tracks, and didn’t know people who spoke English?  Oh, I sort of feel the idea of a children’s book though.  I made a few of those.

Oh, Peregrine, my parents also kept all my art from when I was a kid.  However, I was not raised on an ARTIST’S COMMUNE and I did not draw GENITALS and my parents kept me from, like, drugs and sex and parties THANK GOD.  Good lord Peregrien no wonder you wear shiny bunny ears.  Ungh, your backstory makes me really not like you at all.

Aw, Ryan is demonstrating genuine emotion regarding how he is a black sheep, and how his mother can’t get him, because she doesn’t, like, respect, like, his, like, life choices.

I loooooove that Miles is afraid of the germs in the ball pit.  And that his date with Nicole would involve a tree fort with Christmas lights.  Can Miles and Nicole just bone already?  Good lord.  PEREGRINE WHY ARE YOU WEARING SHINY LEOPARD PRINT GROWING UP ON AN ARTIST’S COMMUNE DOES NOT EXCUSE THIS.

Simon, once again, is not impressed by Ryan.  It doesn’t seem like he likes Abdi’s work either.  Nicole has a giant feather in her hair what?!  Once again, she does not think on the wall, she’s great, she understands how space works and that one should be involved in the space, and the presentation of art in an unusual manner in that space.  Or something like that.

Hahaha, Simon got chalk and chocolate confused.  Oh, French. He also seems confused by Peregrine’s work.  Sort of.  Heh, Miles sips from a juice box, while talking with Simon.  I don’t think Simon understands how this references Miles’ childhood.  I certainly don’t.  Aaaaand neither he nor I are sure what to say about Jaclyn’s Rorschach paintings.

Oh, gee, Simon, you give these people a bunch of fucking pipe cleaners and you expect them to create masterpieces?  Also, NO MORE IMMUNITY EVER DOOOOOOOOM.

Allright, so Simon doesn’t like anyone’s pieces, and no one really likes anyone else’s piece, so, basically there is a lot of hatred and disdain in this room.  Awesome.

Abdi why do you use the quadratic formula all the time?  What?!

So basically everyone realizes that Simon is right and their work sucks, so everyone is starting from scratch more or less.  Or most everyone.

Hahaha, Miles is making rubber band balls.  So ridiculous.  This inspires Ryan to say: “Miles kind of is like this big douchebag.”  Awesome.

Ryan.  Cut your hair.  Take a shower.  MARK AGREES.  Heh.

Mark you’re a douche.  Ungh.

Wait what…Ryan, I did not follow the mussed construction paper and your mussed hair what?!  Confused.

Jacyln decides to paint trees and talk about trees and trees and climbing trees blah blah.

Hahaha, if Miles thinks that Jaclyn’s piece is cold, then it is TOTALLY cold.  Like.  Arctic.

Time’s up, time to get some gallery showings.

Okay what i wonder is this:  How long is China Chow’s hair really?  Why does she matter in life?  WHAT IS THE WEARING?!?!?!  Someone took gold clothe and WRAPPED IT AROUND HER and put her in shoes that are cute on their own and DREADFUL with that DREADFUL dress.  Oh hai Will Cotton guest judge.  And yay, Jeanie is gone curating a show in Europe she is sort of strident and mean and has a mullet.

Abdi’s piece:  “Straight Line.”  Aw, the judges eem to like his.

Mark’s piece is “origin Issue.”  Also it might be a little literal I guess.  Though China seems impressedish.

Peregrine’s is called “Rainbow.”  And it sort of looks like a big messy Mike Kelly piece and evidently this is about AIDS?  AIDS Unicorn?  Will Cotton drew ponys and unicorns as a kid.  Jerry Saltz drew trolls.  Hahaha, obvious.

Nicole’s is “Surfacing Memories.”  And it kind of looks like lunch trays stacked on top.

Ryan’s piece is “Drawn Excavations.”  And Will Cotton thinks he is getting back into the child mindset, or at least trying to.

Jaclyn’s piece is “Untitled.”  Rorschach duh, cold tree duh, pipe cleaners what?

Peregrine thinks Miles’ piece looks like duct tape and his piece has a long title involving all the materials in the piece and I’m not gonna recap the title.  But Will Cotton seems to like it.

Allright, judgey mc-judge time.  Abdi, Nicole, Peregrine, Ryan, and Jaclyn are asked to stay.  Miles and Mark are safe.  Wow.  And off they go.

Ryan’s up for a crit first.  Blah blah conflicted relationship blah blah intensity blah tears.  Will Cotton doesn’t think that Ryan depicted the intensity of Ryan’s creative experience.  China thinks that the mess on the floor is better than what is on the wall.  Everyone likes the process more than the final work.

Peregrine is next.  Blah blah my life on a commune blah blah AIDS blah blah parties and UNICORNS.  She should win because she has a UNICORN in her piece.  Who doesn’t love unicorns?  Well the judges seem to love unicorns.  Jerry Saltz says it references Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience, William Blake shout out ftw!

Jaclyn talks about how she was a wood nymph in the trees.  Well, not really, but evidently she liked to explore trees.  Jerry doesn’t see it.  Nor does the male judge in the candy sweater whose name I can never remember.  Wah wah isolation wah bad fake breasts wah.

Nicole.  Specific vignettes.  Memories.  Little salamanders WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THE FEATHER IN HER HAIR?!?!?!  Jerry likes the mystery of the piece, and says that Nicole has great design sense.

Abdi.  Drawing things people asked him to draw, but Jerry Saltz hates it because he doesn’t see any of Abdi in the piece.  No editing in the piece.  Kill your darling’s Abdi!

Judge talky talk.  The “good” pieces: Peregrine, everyone thinks she did great.  Probably because she wears bunny ears and, therefore, can use children’s materials.  Once again people like that Nicole is all about the mystery and the materials and the design.  Yaaaay.  Okay, the failures.  Ryan.  I don’t like Ryan.  Just get rid of Ryan.  I think he’s gonna get kicked off because he has no potential, whereas Jaclyn and Abdi do.  Oof, “A dictionary is more interesting than that piece,” says Jerry Saltz regarding Abdi’s art.  Jerry finds Abdi’s work commercial and cliche.  Harshface.

Aaaand results!  Let us see who wins bragging rights: Indian Chief Nicole or Crazy Bunny Commune Ears Peregrine.  And it is Peregrine.  BECAUSE SHE HAD A UNICORN.  UNICORNS ALWAYS WIN.  DUH.  Wow, that’s a nice compliment Will Cotton.

Aaaand the failures march down to the judges.  Jerry Saltz looks aaaaaangry.   Abdi is safe.  And so is Jaclyn.  Not a surprise, since Ryan has been thoroughly mediocre this entire competition.  RYAN WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED?!  You have no potential and your art is boring LEAVE SIR LEAVE.

So clearly the moral of tonight’s story is that UNICORNS ARE ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.  Always.

Next week: more teams!  Doing, something.  Involving large nipples?  And sexual acts?  MORE CARNAGE.  Stop by next week y’all!