Oh my God y’all, we’re down to the final two episodes!  Last week Mark was (finally) eliminated.  While he has technical proficiency and skill in photography and photoshop, I’ve found his work more or less boring and fairly predictable.  The only competition in which he was successful was the most commercial task of all: creating a book cover.  And oh, was his book cover Twilight-tastic.  With the dismissal of Mark we are left with Abdi, Nicole, Miles, Peregrine, and Jaclyn.  Tonight, two shall be eliminated.  DRAMA.

Last week:  Chaos!  Nipples!  Masturbation!  Jerry Saltz being a bad-ass.  CHINA’S SPARKLES.  China’s tears.  Aw.

Last challenge, breakfast with the friends, would Captain Crunch be a good dad?  Miles wants to do a super mega duper job.  Hi surprise Judge surprise at breakfast.  Bill Powers is all: “Y’all are going out of town!  Dress warmly!  Cars downstairs!  Have funsies!”

Bony Abdi, has lost himself as an artist, which is probably good, because I’m hoping that his “finding” himself means his art will be more interesting.

So as they drive in their AUDIS (product placement sponsorship!!!) they come to the beach, and we see China wearing like, a cashmere sack.  And her hair is so…limp.  China tells everyone that two will be cut, three will go onward, and the winner gets (insert vocal overdub) $100,000 from PRISMACOLOR and a show at the Brooklyn Museum (sigh).  And then China is all: “y’all we brought you to the woods and the beach because we want NATURE TO INSPIRE YOU TO MAKE ART.”  Y’all, this is totally stupid.  Oh, also, they have to incorporate the raw material from the park into their piece.  Dumb.  I’m already dreading the works that will happen.

Also, Jaclyn is from New York City, which, according to Miles, means she is AFRAID OF THE WOODS.  I mean, the poor girl’s reaction shots definitely indicate discomfort.

So Peregrine was all: WOO ART COMMUNE NATURE LOVE FREE LOVE.  But, San Francisco like, so, “urbane” nature.   Abdi thinks that Jesus is gonna tell him how to do art, so he does some prayer, and then Peregrine brings him a pretty shell.  Nicole likes the woods, she played in the woods with her twin sister, she’s a tom boy, which we know because she doesn’t brush her hair and is afraid of makeup.  Miles built forts, duh, so he’s all walking about being all “I am OCD and I love the woods they are quiet and also, FUNGUS AMONG-US.”  Yuck.  Miles says, “Hey Nicole wait until you see the fungus that I found” which sounds like he is offering to give her an STD.

Jaclyn doesn’t know what to do in the woods with the coat and the boots and she can’t get naked and photograph herself in he woods and she is all wandering around taking a picture of an umbrella and then she picks up some rocks and I don’t get it.  Abdi takes some gravel.  He’s gonna draw with the gravel.  Etc.

Peregrine decides to make a sculpture of a tree person.  Abdi also decides to do a human image, but of himself, and he decides to make it all about his rebirth as an artist and what?!

Jaclyn, it needs to be said, has a cold, and is on the couch, sleeping, that poor girl.  She sounds like she has the plague.  But, girl, it is the last challenge.  The only person who can get away with sleeping in the studio is Miles.  Seriously.

Nicole now informs us that her grandfather was Algonquin, as in Native American, so she wants to do an homage.  The homage, Peregrine notes, looks like boobies.  Peregrine gives the boobies nipples and is all: “yay it is done now!”  She also has little twigs in her hat, like antlers.

Jaclyn finally gets up.

Miles is all working with death and fungus and he decides to create mustard gas which would make everyone pass out.  And then Miles is all, well, that would be inconsiderate of me to make everyone pass out.  So Miles instead decides to use bleach to make an image.  Probably kinder to your artist friends although, man, wouldn’t that be a tactic, to make all your competition pass out.  Brilliance, Miles.

Midnight, to the Beaver House they go.  Jaclyn goes right to bed because she is sick and sleepy.  Nicole needs to brush her hair.  She and Peregrine are having a little drinky drink.  They are friends because they are quirky.

So, day 2, back to work.  Abdi is making pigment with the black gravel, which actually isn’t a bad idea.  Sort of making this lovely charcoal drawing/painting.

Jaclyn…I’m not really sure what it is doing.  She is doing something with rocks, and water.

Miles is just all over the place because he hates having extra time and so just wants to experiment and make fun things.  And then Nicole is all: “we should jell-o wrestle in your piece.”  And Miles is all, “Ahh, yeeeeeeah.”

So Jaclyn is all: “I want to make a social nudie picture of myself and I am going to use this piece i made this morning, not on studio time.”  And Peregrine flips out.  And Jaclyn is all: “Peregrine if you really hate it I won’t use it.”  And I am all: “True, Peregrine, if you don’t want her to do it, just tell her.”  Also, Jaclyn, breaking the rules.  So she’s not gonna use it.

Simon arrives for his studio visit, and he hopes to inspire the artists for “amazing work.”

Regarding Simon’s concern of Abdi: I think that the nature in the piece is truly relevant, in terms of the ashes to ashes dust to dust idea, and that he created his body from the gravel, etc.

Simon heads to Jaclyn and she is a mess, and she has no idea what he is doing, and Simon is all “Um you’re fucked.”  Jaclyn just has no idea, and she sort of seems like she doesn’t care, like, at all, it is really quite bizarre, and fairly discouraging.  Maybe she’s on tons of cold medication.  Peregrine glares, all judgmental like.

Miles: Fungus.  Death.  Incorporated form and idea into an installation.  Simon is all: “yeah, kill your competitors, I get it.”  So then Miles is all: “Bleach. Big structures.  My crazy OCD system.  Systematized bloom.”  Simon looks, super confused, and so am I, because the judges aren’t going to know about your process, Miles, they are just going to see the piece.  And Miles is all: “Shit i’ve gone overboard again.”  And I am all, yeah.

Nicole: Simon worries about the small scale of her piece, but is all, oh hey, look at all that nature.

Peregrine, who actually doesn’t look crazy for once, though I wish she wouldn’t wear her good clothing for art making and plaster casting (look, concern for the clothes, y’all).  Peregrine’s tree-person is all, a teenager in nature i don’t really understand.  Simon is a little underwhelmed by the idea.

So back to the artists, attempting to do their thing, Abdi is all helping Miles be a control freak, with his bleach.  And Miles is all: “dammit, I need to not be a control freak, it is totally ruining my life.”  Yep.

Miles tells Peregrine that if she wants to do teenagers in nature, she needs to do teenagers sneaking off into the woods to have sex.

Abdi is all intimidated by Jaclyn because she makes something out of nothing for every competition, and her piece is now about the changing points of view of the rocks.  Maybe?

Oh, thanks for that shot of Miles’ bare ass, Bravo.  Unnecessary.

So, the day of the show, and everyone is rushing to finish.  Nicole’s piece looks like it is growing pubes.  Miles is not happy with his piece.  Peregrine has a giant bow on his head, a giant. shiny. bow.  What?!  Miles helps Abdi wrap up his piece, which is really sweet, but Abdi is all, fuck Miles, I want to beat him.  And then, time is up.  And Simon is all: LAST SHOW BEFORE THE FINALE BITCHES.

Little commercial clip: Simon giving his love to the competitors, and vice versa.  BE BOLD.  BE AMAZING.  Is that his Tim Gunn catchphrase?  Miles is the best: “My first erection was to a Renoir painting.”  Oh, Simon.

And we’re back.  And China is wearing a crazy red dress.  And Michelle Oka Doner is the guest judge.  She’s big on the natural world.  China’s dress is, as usual, bizarre, and her hair is so. boring.  in comparison to the dress.  And the show opens, with lots of random people.

Peregrine’s piece is called “Golden Gate.”  She has little people having sex placed in the tree.  That’s so funny.  Michelle is all: “lots of sex going on here.”

Nicole’s piece is called “Mic Mac.”  Jeanne is back by the way and she is, as usual, presented as sort of callous and silly.  Something about, ancestry and soul, and I sort of get how it is like, a Native American hut, or something.

Abdi’s piece is called “Baptism.”  I really think that he has pushed himself a lot, an China agrees, i think it is a big step for Abdi.

Jaclyn’s piece is called “The End.”  And it is the sea, the horizon line, blah blah blah, showcasing the rock on the gold, making it feel free.

Miles’ piece is called “Fungus Study Volume #1.1.”  His process-machine is part of the installation, by the way.  Michelle gets that it is about death and decay.

And then the gallery people leave and it is time for the critique.  Peregrine looks so crazy, she has like shiny, and a million different colors, and a large blue scarf, I don’t get it.

Abdi’s up first, for the critique.  He uses the word almost a lot.  Michelle is sort of stately and lovely, and says that the piece is Abdi’s “heart and soul.”  Jerry is glad that the cartooning is gone, and is glad to see Abdi back, but he doesn’t like the frame Abdi used and think that it is palm beach art fair.  I have no idea what Bill Powers said because i am scared by his lime green brocaded jacket.  Ungh.

Peregrine: sexy tree sex, sex sex, homeless people park, sex.  Ambivalence toward nature, parks, sex, etc.  Bill likes the ideas, but not the cut-outs in the tree.  Jeanne agrees.  Peregrine is all: “but I wanted to be brave and surprising.”  Jerry is all: “You are surprising and I am glad that you have spread your wings and gone away from drawing good job even if I don’t like this piece.”

Jaclyn and her rock installation piece and she has on the shortest skirt and looks like a hooker.  Bill thinks the rock is handcuffed to the bar.  Jeanne thinks it looks good, but it is cold.  Jerry is left flat by the piece, sorry Jaclyn.  Peregrine so doesn’t get Jaclyn’s explanation.  Jaclyn, she not so smart.

Nicole is all: “So Mic Mac is the name of my grandfather’s Native American tribe.”  And Jerry is all, that’s a great explanation, but I totally was confused by the piece.  It came off more as an architectural model and it didn’t engage me (says Jerry).  Michelle loves it because it is modest and it is a big risk to make something so small.  China thinks it is organic and beautiful.  Jeanne is all it is neither prehistoric nor futuristic enough, more concept please.

Miles: A study of fungus and making fungus and my process and blah blah blah.  And no one really seems to understand Miles’ process.  Jeanne likes all the pieces (I like that Jeanne cut her hair, farewell to the mullet!!!).  Jerry likes the piece for the madness, and wants miles to let go of the control.  Bill thinks that Miles sometimes hides behind the OCD thing and that it seems too clever.  And then China is all: “So, Miles’ process aside, do you like the piece Bill?”  And Bill says, “yeah, I do.”

Back to the green room, Nicole was teary eyed and felt exposed and uncomfortable.

China asks Michelle (who is gorgeous btw, and exudes presence) how she thinks the artists did with nature.  The judges seem more or less pleased by all the pieces, in general.  Everyone really enjoys Abdi’s piece, and Jerry is impressed by Abdi’s growth.  I’m inclined to agree.  People are disappointed by Peregrine’s work, in that it seems discombobulated, but Jerry appreciates Peregrine’s artistic spirit.  Jeanne likes Jaclyn’s minimalism, and the energy of the rock, but Bill doesn’t think the rock represents freedom.  Jerry says that Nicole’s piece is masterful materially but it neither gives nor engages the audience.  Bill likes being forced to question what Nicole’s piece was about, and Michelle thinks that small and strange was used well.  Jeanne doesn’t think Nicole’s piece was strange enough.  Jerry loves that Miles went in search with the miraculous and ended up with mad science.  Michelle thinks that Miles has ability and execution, but Bill and Jeanne thinks that Miles lacks soul and heart and emotion.

Commercial.  Who will be the final three?  My guess: Miles, Abdi, and Nicole.

FINAL DECISION MAKING.  The final five are all lined up before the judges and, y’all, my heart is a little fluttery.  Only three can move forward.  We will start with the positive news, the winner:  Abdi wins!  Good for Abdi.  I am annoyed by his lack of knowledge of art, especially contemporary art, he needs to look at more art, but he has really pushed himself, and tried to further his artistic process, and he is super young, so I can respect all of that.  Miles is also in the final three.  This was obvious.  I think everyone called that Miles and Abdi would be in the finale, so, no one is surprised.  The buddies go off together…

…leaving the three girls.  I’m guessing Nicole will stay.

Jaclyn’s piece was, according to Bill, distant, cold, and left us stranded.

Jerry says Nicole has a strong sense of material and design, but no vision.

Jeanne says that Peregrine’s piece had a good concept but the execution was a failure.

Elimination 1:  Jaclyn, in her short skirt and hooker heels.  I didn’t feel that she really tried in this piece, so I’m glad she went home, but I do hope that she pushes through and keeps making art.  I think she has potential. She doesn’t want to be forgotten.

Elimination 2:  NICOLE.  OMFG.  Wow.  Peregrine is shocked and SO AM I.  Amazing.  So Nicole can now go home and brush her hair, and Peregrine can continue rocking her GIANT SHINY BOWS.  Nicole, you are awesome, you’ll succeed, you are good.

Back in the green room, Abdi and Miles jump up and give Peregrine a big giant hug.  And Jaclyn and Nicole go home, after a big group hug.

Next week: The Finale!!!  It looks as though Simon gets to see where the final three grew up.  And presumably they will each get to create lots of works.  Oh, this will be fun.  Especially because I’ll have to get up like, 4ish hours after the finale ends to catch a plane to Boston.  But that is for another time.  Looking forward to the finale, y’all!!!