Sup bitches!  I’m going to be liveblogging the Tonys this year despite not having seen ANY of the shows–and it saddens me to say that this is the first time, in a long time, this has happened (first world problems).  So come, experience the Tonys with me!  Like everyone else in the world I am pulling for The Book of Mormon and Sutton Foster.  Also, Josh Gad from The Book of Mormon for the arbitrary reason that he was a forensic’s dude like me.  Victory!  Neil Patrick Harris is awesome so hopefully this will be a great night.  Maybe he can even come onstage as Dr. Horrible to stoke the fires of a Dr. Horrible musical on Broadway?  Yes?  Please?  Anyways, Tonys start at 8:00, and I should be liveblogging the whole thing…unless Jon convinces me to turn on HBO at 9:00 to catch tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones.  This is a definite possibility, people.

If you are interested, NYMag is showing photos of the red carpet.  First impressions: Kate Flannery looks old in that hair and that dress, David Burtka and NPH are just too damn good looking in perfect suits (duh), the Priscilla Queen of the Desert costume designers brought drag queens which are, of course, the best accessory anyone could have, I think Jennifer Damiano’s yellow dress is cute but I am not digging the matching yellow platform heels (too matchy matchy!), Patina Miller’s dress is awesome though I have only seen it from the back, and Sutton Foster should have gone with an actual color rather than mud, though her stylist did a good job with her hair and her makeup.  Also, was expecting more of a crazy outfit vibe from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but maybe they’ve grown up.

Additionally–not that you should read them instead of me, mind you–the NYTimes will be liveblogging the Tonys here and NYMag will be liveblogging the Tonys here.  Also, a few awards have already happened (ungh).  The Book of Mormon won best score and orchestration and Kathleen Marshall won best choreography for Anything Goes.  Kathleen Marshall’s win means that Mormon will not win all the awards for which it is nominated, but I am pretty sure it will clean up.   Also, evidently Athol Fugard won an award and his speech was not broadcasted?!?!  That is just so lame.  Anyways, onto the televised portion of the show!

8:00:  And we begin!  NPH I love you so much.  Please sing for me.  Have people really never seen theater?  Since when has it been just for gays?  What about Jews and ladies?  My, they have a lot of random religion choruses to pull from this year, don’t they? Sailors too!  Damn that’s gay.  Oh hey thanks for shouting out the Jews.  Oh god Brooke Shields forgot her little solo part.  Stephen Colbert didn’t though  amazing what happens in live theater, right?!

8:04:  Nice Motherfucker With the Hat joke Bobby Cannavalle, I like that they had to cut away from you.  Oh Sutton, he’s so swarthy.  Yay obligatory Spiderman joke (that’s one!).  I wish they’d cut to Bono.  COSTUME CHANGE!  NPH your purple suit is so awesome and sparkly I love you so much.  That was a really really really fabulous (or, awesome!) opening number, mazel tov!

8:07: Alec Baldwin to the stage!  He has a beard!  He’s delivering the award for Best Featured Actress in a Play.  Hahaha “Mother-mina with the Hat.”  MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT Y’ALL.  There I said it.  Oh hey Ellen Barkin wins for The Normal Heart.  She looks great, but this is no surprise at all.  I’d love to see The Normal Heart, what with Joe Mantello returning to actors, and also, AIDS awareness and, such.  I should probably read it, also.

8:11:  Robert Morse (YEAH! BERT COOPER) and Matthew Broderick to the stage to introduce How to Succeed in Business Without Even Trying (they have both played J.P Finch, if you didn’t know).  Let us see how Harry Potter does.  Looks like they are doing “Brotherhood of Man,” which is evidently Daniel Radcliffe’s “F-you” to the Tonys committee for not nominated him.  Oh man, that was great.  F-you indeed.  Daniel Radcliffe just performed his little heart out.  That was heart.  I love H2$.

8:22:  Hahaha, NPH.  He makes an Equus joke and then taps his head and says “highbrow.”  Did I mention I love him?  Anyways, he introduces John Leguizamo, who is also great.  And who makes the evening’s first Arnold joke.  He’s doing a performance to promote his one man show, Ghetto Klown.  He’s basically talking about um, how he got into theater and, such.  I guess this is just going to be a monologue.  At least it is funny.

8:26:  In the meantime, over on NYMag, Scott Brown writes of Daniel Radcliffe: “I think the rap on Radcliffe has been: He certainly did his homework, but he’s no natural. A few weeks ago, when the show opened, I think that was a pretty legitimate position. But now? Something new has infused his very cartilage. And the mark of a true performer is, when the chips are down, the doubters are nattering, and you’ve got something to prove? Prove it. I think he did.”  Truth!

8:27:  Viola Davis (She looks amazing!  I want her arms!) comes onstage to give the award for Best Featured Actor in a Play.  John Benjamin Hickey wins for The Normal Heart. I’ll say one thing for tonight, AIDS awareness is definitely getting a huge boost.

8:30:  Aaron Tveit (sadly not nominatd) and the rest of Catch Me if You Can come onstage to do their performance.  I never saw the movie, I guess I should say that now.  Man, stewardesses.  Man, I love Aaron Tveit.  He was also on Gossip Girl, that’s funny.  Oh, but he’s really just here to introduce Norbert Leo Butz, yay!  Norbert Leo Butz is doing his big number, “Don’t Break the Rules”!  This is so exciting!  I’ve read so many amazing things about this.

8:34:  Yeah, pretty awesome.  Norbert Leo Butz doesn’t really ever fail.  Oh hey, there’s Frank Abagnale Jr. himself!

8:40:  Second Spiderman joke!  (only the second?)  Oh, thirty seconds of Spiderman jokes!  Hilarious!  And they’re counting them.  This is great, just get it all done in one fell swoop.  Oh he got six.  Good job NPH.  Oh, seven!  Yay.

8:41:  David Hyde Pierce (another gay I love) out to present some directing awards.  He has lots of friends who are nominated, and he’s about to direct for the first time!  Yay!  Best Direction of a Musical is first, and Trey Parker and Casey Nicholaw win for The Book of Mormon, duh.  Trey Parker’s shirt is so sparkly!  Hey Trey, thanks for thanking me!  I’m a HUGE South Park fan.

8:44: Best Direction of a Play goes to the folks who directed War Horse and the lady director is wearing an amazing fuschia color–I don’t want to say an amazing fuschia color dress, because the dress could use some tailoring in the waist, but still, great color.

8:47:  Don Cheadle onstage to introduce the performance of Scottsboro Boys, which was also Kander and Ebbs last collaboration (in case you forgot).  I really wish I’d had a chance to see this.  Oh yay I will (might) it will be on tour.  Oh, my, this was a good year for musicals wasn’t it.  Well, for theater in general, it seems.

8:56: Chairpeople of the American Theater Wing, some dude and Angela Lansbury.  They’ll do some talking now, about theater in the old days, before podcasts, etc.

8:58: Oh good, that was short.  Now, Harry Connick Jr. gets to present Best Featured Actress in a Musical.  Nikki M. James wins!  I love her rendition of “Sal Tlay Ka Siti.”  I love it when the young unknowns win like this.  Her dress is so so so so so cute, great color!  Aw, she’s adorable, yay.

9:02: Stephen Colbert onstage to introduce The Book of Mormon.  Yay!  Andrew Rannells is going to perform “I Believe.”  I saw Josh Gad and Rory O’Malley in the audience, and of course Nikki M. James just won, so I guess this is going to be all Andrew Rannells.  Too bad they’re not doing “Hello” and I mean, every other number in this show.  I am dying to see this show.  YEAH!  Hold that War Lord’s hand!  I saw this picture online and it made me laugh so hard.  This is great.  The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.  Oi, want to see this show so much.  But also, that song was really sweet and touching!

9:13:  Hugh Jackman onstage, calling NPH Neil Patrick Harrison.  Hugh Jackman has hosted the show, and he did a damn good job hosting the show, he also won a Tony when he hosted the show, he’s good.  Banter time.  Oh hey, SINGING BANTER TIME.  Singing banter MEDLEY time!  Also, is it just me or does Hugh Jackman sing with an American accent?  Now if only NPH and Matthew Morrison could reprise their “Dream On” performance from Glee.  Dreams.

9:17:  Aw, Hugh Jackman should come back to Broadway.  He introduces Brooke Shields, who makes fun of herself for screwing up the opening number. She’s so pretty.  She’s presenting Best Featured Actor in a Musical.  John Larroquette wins.  Guess he can start working on his EGOT.  I thought Rory O’Malley would win, but that’s okay, John Larroquette’s a veteran!

9:21: Bono and the Edge onstage, and apparently during the commercial break the Priscilla Queen of the Desert folks won Best Costume Design?  I wish they’d broadcast it, because um, awesome.  So um, are Bono and the Edge here for a purpose or are they just here to kill time and ramble?  Does Spiderman really need more publicity?  Ungh, get on with it.  Hahaha, Bono thanks the folks for their patience.

9:23:  Uh, what, why is there a Spiderman performance?  That’s so dumb.  I’m so annoyed.  This is the only time during the broadcast when I have felt really irritated.  This show doesn’t need anymore press, and it isn’t eligible to be nominated this year, so why on earth are they performing?  Fail.  Boring song too.

9:32:  Jim Parsons to the stage.  He’s in The Normal Heart, also The Big Bang Theory, which I need to watch.  He’s introducing the Best New Plays, or, rather, the cast members of the Best New Plays to talk about their works.  They’ve taped little segments for each.  Hahaha, Mark Rylance introducing Jerusalem is great.  He’s all mustachey and has a great accent.  Mark Rylance is amazing.  I saw him in Boeing, Boeing and have loved him ever since.

9:35:  Robin Williams and his beard to the stage.  Hahaha, gay joke, oh heavens.  “The only beard here is on my face.”  Hahaha, awesome.  Robin Williams always sounds like he is shouting.  He also makes a Spiderman joke.  He’s giving the award of Best Book of a Musical.  The Book of Mormon wins, duh.  Yay more South Park.  Matt Stone gets to talk, which is nice.  Robert Lopez gets to talk too, and his jacket is blue and shiny.

9:38:  Whoopi Goldberg (WHAT IS SHE WEARING WHAT?!?!  AMAZING!!!) to the stage to introduce Sister Act.  Truly, many movies Whoopi has been in have turned into Broadway musicals. I love Sister Act the movie, I’m sure Sister Act the musical is funzors.  Patina Miller also, super sharp.  Ooof, look at that crazy stained glass back projection.  Fantastic.

9:46:  Marg Helgenberger to the stage to introduce the other two new plays.  Bobby Cannavalle introduces The Motherfucker with the Hat and um…one of the actors from War Horse introduces War Horse, but I’m not watching him, I’m watching the amazing horse puppet in the background.  That puppet is amazing.  That horse puppet is amazing, and looks truly alive.  And yay, they’ve brought it onstage!  And Neil Patrick Harris is riding it.  Hugh Jackman looks stunned.  Maybe, jealous?  He didn’t get to ride an amazing puppet horse when he hosted.  Haha, PETA folks are gonna get angry at that horse-glue joke.  Silly.

9:49:  Patrick Wilson to the stage to present the award for Best Revival of a Play.  The Normal Heart wins, which is a positive thing, although all those shows looked fantastic. Larry Kramer gets to talk too, which is great.

9:52:  Scott Brown over at NYMag described Trey Parker’s outfit as follows: “I only now realized that he’s wearing what appears to be the Tar Creature from Star Trek.”  Amazing!  And R.I.P. Tasha Yar.

9:53:  Neil Patrick Harris is talking about Broadway Cares: Equity Fights AIDS and how a bunch of kids got a performance of Memphis and now we get to suffer through another performance of Memphis which, I don’t want to see another performance from Memphis.  I was bored by it last year when for some reason it won Best New Musical, and I’m still totally bored by it this year.  Sigh.  Also, they’re bringing in some kids to help them be boring.  Ungh.  Even Chris Rock looks bored.  Also, confused.

10:02:  Samuel L. Jackson to the stage.  Look at you in your white outfit AND WHITE SHOES WITH BLACK PANTS.  He’s here to announce Best Play.  War Horse wins, everything I’ve read says that it is a nothing play with a lot of flash and excellent staging.  And puppets.  Oh well, yay horse puppets?

10:05:  The amazing Joel Grey is here to introduce Anything Goes.  I am sure they will do the big tap number and I am sure it will be amazing.  I’ve seen it on lots and lots of morning shows, and it is incredible, so it will be incredible here.  I’ll stop typing and watch.

10:11:  Sutton Foster is amazing and that number is truly amazing!  Giant tap numbers are the best!

10:14:  Dave Itzkoff and Charles Isherwood over at the NYTimes, on the Anything Goes number:

“DI: Joel Grey, who is so cute I want to put him in my pocket, is up to introduce the number from “Anything Goes.” If I ever take a cruise and discover that the ship’s crew can’t really dance like this, I’m going to feel seriously ripped off.

CI: Take a gay cruise. You’ll be fine.” 

10:15:  Can I repeat how inexcusable it is that Athol Fugard was not given his lifetime achievement award on TV?  Same with Eve Ensler, even if I dislike The Vagina Monologues. I cannot believe that idealists and visionaries like them were cut short to give time to trash like Spiderman and Memphis.

10:16:  Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Jones to the stage.  They get the longest, loudest, most standing-ist ovation of the night.  They are amazing people.  My heart still breaks whenever I look at Vanessa Redgrave, RIP Natasha Richardson.  They are here to introduce clips from plays from this theater season.  Busy season for plays, lots of talent!

10:20:  Christy Brinkley comes onstage in a prom dress and with pageant hair.  She looks stupid.  For some reason, she is here to introduce a performance from Company.  They are singing “Side By Side” which is not my favorite song from Company, but it’s an excellent number when done well.  Actually, I should say, i tend to fast forward through it on the cast album, but it is great onstage.  Damn, this is was a star-studded cast.  Hey Patti!  Hey Stephen!  Hey Jon Cryer!  Hey Katie Finneran!  Hey Martha Plimpton!  Hey Christina Hendricks!  Hey Anika Noni Rose!  Crazy cast.  Also, NPH duh.  See, they should do more filler performances like this.  Um, random Sondheim performances, instead of random Memphis and random Spiderman performances!

10:24:  Again, more Sondheim filler please!  Kelsey Grammar onstage to present Best Revival of a Musical.  Anything Goes wins, although both shows looked fun, and I personally think they are both absolutely classic and excellent pieces of musical theater.  I enjoy H2$ a bit more though–just, personally.

10:27:  Tyne Daly onstage to present the Death Montage.  Sad times.  That is an odd shawl she has wrapped around her shoulders.  Arthur Laurentis was a biggie, and he kept going didn’t he?  He had an amazing life, what an artist!  Jilly Clayburgh too, oof.  Elizabeth Taylor, of course.  Joseph Stein.  Oh and in case you are wondering who that little Shannon Tavares girl was, she played Nala in The Lion King.  Then she got leukemia.   She was 11 when she died.  That is horribly depressing.

10:34:  Is it over yet?  Oh, no, we still have all the major acting and directing awards, and the award for Best Musical.  I’m tired, and I still need to watch Game of Thrones, blergh.  Anyways, Daniel Radcliffe is onstage.  Did y’all know that the last Harry Potter film is out July 15th?  Anyways, he’s doing the acting awards for the ladies.  Best Actress in a Play is first.  Harry Potter is speaking quite quickly–I guess he knows that maybe the evening is running longish?  Frances McDormand wins.  She is wearing glasses, not a stitch of makeup, has not brushed her hair, and has on like…a casual maxi dress under a denim jacket.  WTF?!?!  She might have out WTFed Whoopi Goldberg’s outfit.  This is such a fail.  This is an AWARDS CEREMONY.  Come on lady.  I think you are a great actress but, seriously.  She’s also a little crazy, but I mean, intense crazy, maybe in a good way?  What is she is wearing?!

10:38:  Best actress in a musical!  Yay Sutton please win!  Oh hey Sutton wins!  The dress color is better onstage–more greenish than muddy-ish.  Again, her stylist did a great job with her hair and makeup and jewelry, but the fit is funnyish in the bust.  Regardless, I love Sutton.  I’ve had lunch with her.  My sister lived with her.  She really is a sweetheart, truly a sweetheart.  Aw, shoutout to Julian!  I’ve met him too, he’s so so so nice!  Yay Sutton, mazel tov to you!

10:41: Paul Shaffer onstage.  He’s talking about Steven Schwartz and Paul Jhibarra and writing music and writing disco music.  YEAH!  WEATHERGIRLS!  “IT’S RAINING MEN.”  SO GAY.  This is total filler, but it is GOOD filler.  Also, appropriate, because Priscilla is a show from THIS SEASON.  Oh hey, and a great way to showcase the amazing costumes from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

10:45:  NPH is in the balcony with random audience members?  Who are touching him?  That was weird.

10:50:  Catherine Zeta-Jones (remember how she won Best Actress in a Musical last season?  I didn’t either) in a really amazing, sparkly red dress, is here to present Best Leading Actor in a Play.  Mark Rylance wins, and from everything i’ve heard he deserves it.  He is supposedly amazing.  I mean, unsurprising.  Um, I don’t really entirely understand this speech.  Is it lines from his show? Maybe?  It must be.  Haha, that was ridiculous.  Mark Rylance is the best!

10:53:  Okay, Best Leading Actor in a Musical!  Nobert Leo Butz wins.  Again!  He’s also really amazing.  I’m down with this.

10:59:  Over yet?!?!  I’m tired.  Chris Rock is onstage to present BEST MUSICAL.  He’s annoyed that he missed the basketball final.  HEAT LOST (screw you LeBron, ha).  Yay Mavs?  Anyways, Chris Rock, please present the award, we are sleepy.  Chris Rock is all…Come on people, we know who will win, blah blah, etc.  The Book of Mormon wins!  Yay, we knew it would win, but still, Chris Rock, no need to be quite so douchey about it.  Seriously.

11:02:  Trey Parker is doing the thanks, he thanks Joseph Smith which is amazing and hilarious.  Victory.  NPH is out to usher everyone out!  We’re all straight now!  Normal Heart won!  Harry Potter is coming out soon!  NPH is rapping now?  No, stop rapping.  STOP RAPPING.  Noooo…actually, whatever, you can do whatever you want, you’re amazing.  NPH everyone!  That’s it, I’m out!  EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK BITCHES! Thanks for reading!