Day: September 24, 2011

I Finished Portal

Yes, I finally finished Portal.  I know, y’all are relieved.  But this is a big deal, guys, as I have never done the video game thing before and no, Gameboy doesn’t count.  I promise after this I will get on with my life but first, an explosion of Portal stuff and memes and quotes and stuff.  Spoiler alert, of course:

“Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck. ”

“Good news. I figured what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters. ”

“Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you’ve managed to break so far… is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we’ll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn’t going to happen.”

“While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk – and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot – it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.”

(Can I just make a note here that incinerating my Companion Cube was emotionally difficult for me?  Like, I felt legitimate sadness, and this is extremely strange.  However, i guess it is demonstrative of the fact that the game works y’all).

“There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come, either, because you don’t have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: “Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned.” That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that’s funny, too.”

Oh hey and remember how I was all: WHERE IS MY CAKE.  WHY IS IT A LIE?

Well guess what guys?  CAKE HAPPENED.

CAKE HAPPENED…and so did this song:

Listen to this song y’all!  So creepy, and yet so happy!  Evidently Jonathan Coulton wrote it.  I wish I’d known about him before Dragon*Con, as he is part of a big thing called w00tstock and it sounds super fun but I’ve said it before and I will say it again: you cannot do everything at Dragon*Con.  Hopefully he will come to Dragon*Con in the future.  In the meantime, I will research his music.  And also listen to this song a lot.

Oh here are the song lyrics.  They are really worthwhile, I mean it:

“This was a triumph! I’m making a note here: Huge Success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science – we do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead. But there’s no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are still alive. I’m not even angry. I’m being most sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me. And tore me to pieces. And threw every piece into a fire. As they burned, it hurt because I was so happy for you. Now these points of data make a beautiful line. And we’re out of beta; we’re releasing on time. So I’m GLaD I got burned. Think of all the things we learned. For the people who are still alive. Go ahead and leave me. I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you. Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke – Ha Ha! Fat Chance! Anyway, this cake is great. It’s so delicious and moist. Look at me still talking when there’s science to do. When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I’m not you. I’ve experiments to run. There is research to be done. On the people who are still alive. And, believe me, I’m still alive! I’m doing science and I’m still alive! I feel FANTASTIC and I’m still alive! While you’re dying, I’ll be still alive! And when you’re dead, I will be still alive! Still Alive! Still Alive… ”

This cake is great.  It’s so delicious and moist.

Excellent Quotes from Portal

This is why I do not play video games: they take me away from y’all and suck up all my waking attention and then next thing I know I am needing to play, just needing to play truly, so I can get to the next part of the story.  Those alternative storytelling people were not lying; video games really are the next and newest and most fun form of narrative.  The story that is being told in Portal is so simple and yet so compelling and I am loving it.

This is partly because I have now officially gone off the grid in the game.  I don’t want to give away any real spoilers but let us just say that it is exactly what it sounds like.

Luckily, the game is providing me with some really choice quotes to keep me giggling like a psycho as I attempt to solve the awesome puzzle.  Oh, also, the cake is still a lie.  Dammit.

Mild spoilers ahead with these quotes:

“Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test. ”

“Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death. ”

“Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested.”

“Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It’s true! ”

And my personal favorite, at least up to this point:  “Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like ‘No way!’ And then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you?’ That was great!”

Forcing myself to go to bed now, the game will be waiting for me tomorrow.  I hope.