Yes, I finally finished Portal. I know, y’all are relieved. But this is a big deal, guys, as I have never done the video game thing before and no, Gameboy doesn’t count. I promise after this I will get on with my life but first, an explosion of Portal stuff and memes and quotes and stuff. Spoiler alert, of course:
“Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck. ”
“Good news. I figured what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters. ”
“Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you’ve managed to break so far… is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we’ll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn’t going to happen.”
“While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk – and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot – it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.”
(Can I just make a note here that incinerating my Companion Cube was emotionally difficult for me? Like, I felt legitimate sadness, and this is extremely strange. However, i guess it is demonstrative of the fact that the game works y’all).
“There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come, either, because you don’t have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: “Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned.” That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that’s funny, too.”
Oh hey and remember how I was all: WHERE IS MY CAKE. WHY IS IT A LIE?
Well guess what guys? CAKE HAPPENED.
CAKE HAPPENED…and so did this song:
Listen to this song y’all! So creepy, and yet so happy! Evidently Jonathan Coulton wrote it. I wish I’d known about him before Dragon*Con, as he is part of a big thing called w00tstock and it sounds super fun but I’ve said it before and I will say it again: you cannot do everything at Dragon*Con. Hopefully he will come to Dragon*Con in the future. In the meantime, I will research his music. And also listen to this song a lot.
Oh here are the song lyrics. They are really worthwhile, I mean it:
“This was a triumph! I’m making a note here: Huge Success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science – we do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead. But there’s no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are still alive. I’m not even angry. I’m being most sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me. And tore me to pieces. And threw every piece into a fire. As they burned, it hurt because I was so happy for you. Now these points of data make a beautiful line. And we’re out of beta; we’re releasing on time. So I’m GLaD I got burned. Think of all the things we learned. For the people who are still alive. Go ahead and leave me. I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you. Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke – Ha Ha! Fat Chance! Anyway, this cake is great. It’s so delicious and moist. Look at me still talking when there’s science to do. When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I’m not you. I’ve experiments to run. There is research to be done. On the people who are still alive. And, believe me, I’m still alive! I’m doing science and I’m still alive! I feel FANTASTIC and I’m still alive! While you’re dying, I’ll be still alive! And when you’re dead, I will be still alive! Still Alive! Still Alive… ”
This cake is great. It’s so delicious and moist.
5 thoughts on “I Finished Portal”
Wow. I am drunk, so forgive me, but I really want to play this game now. I recently revealed to my nephew that I beat Plants vs. Zombies (easy and fun, btw…) and now he thinks I am a God. Which is nice.
Glad you got the cake. And I am glad it is delicious and moist.
Portal is waaaaaaaaaaay fun, I highly recommend it. I’ll probably get Portal 2 eventually as well. If you have ever played Half-Life (I have not) it is evidently tied into that universe’s mythos. So, you know, cross-references and such.
Evidently the cake is a German Chocolate btw, just in case you are craving it!
my little brother is obsessed with Portal. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year and he was totally ignoring me because he was fixated on his game. nerd.
I mean it is an AWESOME game but Izel in person is better than any video game. Silly kids!