Work of Art Liveblog, Episode 5: Ripped from the Headlines

Once again it is Wednesday, and once again it is time for another amazing Work of Art episode and a hopefully amazing Work of Art liveblog.  Just a refresher: last week we our contestants had been reduced to ten, and the contestants had their fourth challenge.   This challenge required the contestants to team up with kids and to make works of art inspired by works by their kid-partners.  Sarah Jessica Parker was the judge.  We discovered much about our contestants: Sucklord has a soft spot for kids, Sara J. had a post traumatic stress disorder experience, and Dusty and Kymia proved to be awesome.  Kymia won with her lovely, grotesque drawing, and Tewz’s weird, conceptual growth piece got him eliminated.    Michelle also did a piece with EYES y’all, EYES.  Jerry Saltz thinks she is going to win.  Anyways, you can read my thoughts on last week’s episode here.

Bye Tewz, your name was also stupid.

This week the artists will be headng to the New York Times headquarters  to search for inspiration-providing headlines.  This will be fun!

9:00:  Everyone’s in a huddle, waiting to see who comes back.  Kymia and Dusty and Sara J. wander back in, and Sucklord’s trailing behind makes everyone freak out but oh, Sucklord is there!  And Sucklord also declares that he is tough like a cockroach.  Yep, that sounds about right.

9:01:  Kymia is thrilled that she won and that Simon is auctioning off her piece.  Lola, for some reason, really has it out for Kymia?  I mean, why?  Lola, you’re terrible, you aren’t on her level at all.  Anyways, title sequence time, complete with China’s terrible holy underboob-showing dress lord who let her wear that disaster?

9:02:  5:30am and Simon barges in all “WAKE UP YOU SLEEPY HEADS TIME TO BE INVIGORATED CHALLENGES.”  Young Sun gets all uppity about it because his gay gene makes him feel sad that Simon looks better than he does at 5:30 in the morning.

9:03:  Simon piles them all into a van.  To make matters worse it is RAINING at 5:30 in the morning, terrible.  They’re driving through New York and Dusty is freaked out because he doesn’t know New York at all because, in case you forgot, he’s from Arkansas!  Anyways, their destination is the building where The New York Times gets printed and it looks like a magical awesome place.

9:04:  No really it is magical.  There are self-propeling robots and crazy like, roller coasters conveying papers, and it is awesome.  And oh also China is there, in front of a pile of newspapers, and she is wearing a red dress that doesn’t have a hole in it and it is a lot better than the travesty they have her in for the title sequence.  China provides the challenge (find a headline that inspires your work of art!) and also tells a nervous Sucklord to “Use the Force!”  Sigh.

9:05:  Kymia reveals that she is one of those annoying people who doesn’t read the paper or keep abreast of current events at all.  That’s just lazy guys.  A few more things:  the artists have to use the newspaper in their work, the winner gets $20,000 (Dusty really wants it because he is from ARKANSAS and also he is poor, he tells us), and the winner also gets his or her work exhibited in the NYTimes building near Times Square.  Oh but after this challenge there is no immunity ever again ever.

9:06:  Anyways, now we get a ten minute montage of people tearing through the pile of newspapers looking for their headlines.  People choose articles on serial killers, the B.P. oil spill, and Ai WeiWei’s imprisonment (that’s Young Sun of course).

9:07:  Times up!  Off to Utrecht, with Simon in the lead!  For some reason the artists are wheeling out barrels of newspaper but, whatever.  At Utrecht Lola, as usual, is all “I do not have a clear idea of what i am going to make.”  Lola, you never know what you are going to make.  Your “suffering artist” persona, as Sara J. calls it, is totally old.  And stupid.  I hope you get eliminated, even if you do look like Eliza Dushku.

9:08:  And off to the studio they go!  Sarah K. is doing an article on Alexander Styron, about depression and madness.  Bayete has chosen an article that reviews the musical Sister Act which is AWESOME, he’s going to be some piece about religion and how he doesn’t like it which is only mildly cliche.   Dusty’s article is on the failing economy (because he is from Arkansas and according to him people in Arkansas are poor).

9:09:  Young Sun’s Ai WeiWei article is about censorship, so he’s trying to bleach the ink from his paper but he’s only succeeding in ruining the paper.  He’s afraid he’s going home.  And last week’s photograph of Young Sun hopping about like a big gaysian bird takes us into the commercial break.

9:14:  Sucklord is super excited about the challenge.  He “really wants to do good.”  SUCKLORD.  PLEASE LEARN TO SPEAK CORRECTLY.  Lord. All the artists are talking about how $20,000 would be amazing, because they are artists and artists are poor.

9:15:  Lola, a milliner is a maker of hats, not a maker of weapons.  Lola is making paper swords (her article is about Libya and war) and she’s making these swords and doing some random drawings and she’s just a hot mess.  Michelle is doing a piece on health insurance and proving injuries, so she’s going to document the physical scars leftover from when she got hit by a car a year ago (which is so crazy, she’s lucky to be in one piece, her scars are INSANE.  You go Michelle).

9:16:  Dusty usually does more positive work but the economy isn’t happy.   Kymia’s headline is about serial killers and human remains, so she’s making this coffin with newspapers and some body parts.  She has immunity but she still wants to make a “killer” piece, hurr hurr.

9:17:  Young Sun is back to the drawing board, because his bleach trick failed, so he’s going to make his own headline: “WHERE IS AI WEIWEI?”  Where indeed.  Sara J. is doing a piece about the earthquake and subsequent nuclear meltdown in Japan.  She’s painting mutant cows, which is really awesome!

9:18:  Simon arrives.  Lola picked the worst headline ever:  “Inferior Arms Hobble Rebels in Libya War.”  Who writes this stuff, that’s so not legible?  Anyways, Lola, as usual, has no idea what she is doing and Simon, as usual, knows that Lola has no idea what she is doing, so he’s just going to wait to see what she does at the show.

9:19:  Simon goes to Sarah K. yes, and tells Sarah that’s she pretty much been mediocre this whole time, which I guess is better than being so terrible you are in the bottom.  Anyways, mediocre isn’t going to cut it, but I’m inclined to agree with Simon that Sarah K. is pretty forgettable!  Sarah K. is doing a colorful word piece thing, i couldn’t entirely follow, but maybe it’ll get her into the crit!  Simon heads to Bayete’s work, which is inspired by the headline “Different Church, More Sequins” (Sister Act remember?)  Bayete has some awesome gold doors happening.

9:20:  Sucklord!  He calls Simon “sir.”  I love that.  Sucklord tells Simon that the judges told him to stop using Star Wars and to stop being so literal…but Simon thinks that Sucklord’s work is still pretty literal-sounding.  Sucklord, you gotta transform stuff but, that’s okay, I don’t know what that means either.  Sucklord is, understandably, quite panicked.

9:25:  Young Sun’s next.  Simon loves the subject matter, and thinks that the conceptual nature of the piece (lots of black paint, his own headline) could be awesome.  It could also suck.

9:26:  Simon’s all “wow Kymia what are you doing?!”  He thinks her piece is quite ambitious…and also believes that Kymia’s subject matter is pretty dark!  Serial killers, man.  Simon has an announcement before he goes!  Dustin and Bayete are moving apartments!  I guess they’re being shuffled in with Young Sun and Sucklord?  And oh also don’t forget the $20,000 y’all!

9:27:  Sucklord wants to change his headline because he has no ideas.  Everyone is fine with him changing his headline except for Michelle, who is all “that’s breaking the rules,” which…maybe she’s right?  I don’t think it matters.  Anyways, Sucklord decides to play it safe and stick with his headline.

9:28:  Sara J. is pretty calm in the wake of her nervous breakdown from last week.  She’s a Cancer, and Cancers are really emotional!  I guess that means Cancers bawl during art critiques.  Kymia, in the meantime, is nervous about the weight of her piece.  Foreshadowing!

9:29:  Holy wow Michelle is painting and she’s an incredible painter too, she’s just hugely talented.  Her piece is her body parts sitting on a table with a plant.  Sucklord decides to scrap his current work and do something involving oil and money.  Lola is still crushing on the Sucklord and doesn’t want him to go home!  I want her to go home, howver.

9:30:  15 minute montage!  Bayete’s having some trouble with his installation, which is funny.  He painted the wrong side of the door, which, yeah.  Sorry Bayete.  Everyone heads home and Bayete and Dusty move into their new home.  Dusty moves in with Young Sun and Bayete with the Sucklord.  Young Sun really wants to win the $20,000 to help her mother with her medical bills (she has cancer, man, this is just sadness, artists are poor!).

9:31:  Back in the studio montage!  Everyone running around and making exasperated noises!  Nervous breakdowns!  Bayete’s doors look really cool but he doesn’t know how to do the installation thing sadly.  Kymia’s coffin is pretty awesome but man it looks so heavy!  How’s she going to get it downstairs?

9:32:  I don’t think Sucklord’s piece is that great, but we’ll see what the judges think.  It looks pretty shoddy.  Dusty hangs a picture of a boobalicious lady to cheer up the Sucklord.  Aw, friends. Dusty’s piece is quite lovely.  If Dusty wins the money he’d like to get his wife pregnant again so they can expand their family.  Oh, Arkansas.

9:33:  Dusty and Sucklord are trying to help Kymia move her coffin piece, which is huge and heavy and wet.  Oh, Kymia.  Lola, of course, has a bunch of stuff that probably sucks.  She’s such a disaster.

9:34:  Simon is all “COME WITH ME TO YOUR GALLERY SHOW” and they close with Kymia wheeling out her giant coffin.  So grim!  Aaaand commercial!

9:40:  GALLERY SHOW.  Once again I want to know where they find these people to come to the show!  China introduces our judges, Jerry, Bill, and guest judge Adam McEwen.  China has this giant shoulder piece which looks like newspaper.  Her hair also looks silly tonight.  Sucklord, for some reason, is wearing a turtleneck and a sport jacket.  it makes him look HUGELY sleazy.

9:41:  The gallery opens!  No one can fit because China’s shoulder piece is so big!  Just kidding.  Dusty’s piece is quite nice, all the silhouettes with the newspaper.  I love Sara J.’s mutant cow oil painting with her newspaper bones, that’s just so cool!  Sara J. rocked it!

9:42:  Some of the contestants think Lola’s piece is great but I actually think that Lola’s piece looks TERRIBLE.  And, also, boring.  Jerry seems to like it though, sigh.  Young’s Ai WeiWei piece is um…not showing well on tv.  Maybe it is better in person.

9:43:  People are confused by Sucklord’s piece, the money and the oil and the newspaper, disaster.  Michelle’s piece is BEAUTIFUL.  She’s insanely talented, as both a painter and a sculptor. Bill walks to Kymia’s coffin and is all “Someone buried the lead on this.”  Hurr hurr. Sarah K.’s piece also doesn’t show well on television, at all.  Again, maybe it is better in person.

9:44:  Bayete’s piece, it also doesn’t look great.  It looks sort of messy and dark.  Maybe it is better in person?  Bayete is hoping that people think his work is so bad that it is good.  Alas, I just think it is messy.  The peole leave, and China thanks the artists the a “newsworthy” show.  Sigh.

9:45:  Sucklord, Young, Dusty, Bayete, Lola, and Sarah K. are asked to stay.  Everyone else gets to go home and feel relief.  Young’s piece is one of the better in the show, and the judges start with him.  I’m guessing that people love his piece due to the headline.  But the piece is very simple and straightforward–Young Sun really has the simple, easy, stark part of conceptual art down, yay Young Sun!

9:46:  Dusty’s piece is also in the top, and it is lovely.  The map of America with the silhouettes of sad people, made out of balled up newspaper, so simple and lovely.  This would look excellent in the NYTimes building.  LOLA(!?!?!?!!??!?!?) is also in the top.  HER PIECE IS TERRIBLE AND I HATE HER.  I’m tuning out her rambly BS guys, sorry, I just can’t handle her.

9:47:  The winner of the challenge is Young, wow!  I really thought it was going to be Dusty.  Young is super happy!  He gets $20,000 and his work gets to be displayed in the NYTimes building.  It looks like it has been displayed in the cafeteria of the building, ha.

9:48:  Young Sun just won $20,000 and now he’s going to Disney World!  No, actually, he’s going to send his mother to Korea.  That’s really sweet, yay Young Sun.

9:49:  Unsuccessful pieces!  Sucklord is first.  His piece is a very obvious study on greed and money.  Bill calls it predictable.  Jerry says the negativity of the piece is a turn-off.  Guest judge Adam McEwan says the piece is illegible.

9:50:  Sarah K.’s piece is next.  It really looks like a mess on paper.  Oh I was wrong: it is Alexandra (not Alexander) Styron’s work about living with her crazy father, William Styron.  The work really does look like a mess of cut out paper, sigh.  No good, Sarah K., no good.  You’re so cute and charming, why?!   She takes the crit really well.

9:51:  Bayete is next.  Both the articles that were reviews were in the bottom, I guess the moral of the story is that one shouldn’t pick a review for their inspirational headline.  Bayete acknowledges that his piece doesn’t really achieve an argument against religion at all.  Bayete looks pretty humiliated and he also admits that he painted the wrong side of the door (ha!)  No one likes this piece at all, it is a disaster.  I’m pretty certain that Bayete is out, unfortunately.

9:52:  Into the green room everyone goes.  Sucklord is used to crits by now, Sarah just wants to live to fight another day.  The judges say that the bottom works were lost and bad and boring.  Sarah K.’s work was scattered.

9:53:  Sucklord’s piece was too clean, for a piece about dirty money.  His stories are mixed up.  Bayete’s piece had initial energy but it was a failure and demonstrated a lack of commitment.  And also that Bayete had no idea what he was doing and oh, all that is left is “silly doors,” according to Jerry.  I’m guessing Bayete is out y’all.

9:57:  DRAMATIC MUSIC.  Sad-looking judges, scared-looking contestants.  Bayete’s piece was vacant.  Sarah’s piece was disjointed.  Sucklord’s piece lacked payoff (which is funny because it had money in it, hurr!  Everyone is hilarious tonight y’all).

9:58:  Who is going home?!  Not Sarah K.!  They say her name first, and Bayete gets a look of relief–but it is short-lived, because he is, indeed, going home.  Bye Bayete!  You had potential, but your artistic vision is a little muddled.

9:59:  Sucklord knows he needs to step it up!  Bayete bids his farewell.  And next week’s episode will involve street art, and China gets spray-painted, nice!  Oh and Kymia cries some, don’t cry Kymia!  You always know Work of Art will be awesome when TEARS are involved because, as they say, you can’t have TEARS without ART y’all.  Until next week!

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