RuPaul’s Drag Race, Season 5, Episode 1

Hold on to your wigs hunties, the best reality show on television is back!  Who will have the Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent to take home this season’s top prize?  Time to check out this year’s queens:

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The ladies, in order of workroom appearance, with my brief thoughts on their debut outfits.

Detox.  Love her bumblebee corset look and feathered headpiece.

Roxxy Andrews.  Pageant queen.

Jade Jolie (FROM GAINESVILLE, GO GATORS!!!).  I want to like her but she’s looking a little cray.  She looks and sounds like a lady out of drag too, which is a bit disorienting.

Serena ChaCha (from Tallahassee iiiiicccck). Self-described “Fine Art Drag”

Alyssa Edwards.  Self-described “The Vanessa Williams of Drag.”

Jinx Monsoon.  This season’s Tammi Brown, no question.

Penny Tration.  Token big girl–and the People’s Choice Winner in the online voting.

Vivienne Penay, Dita von Teese drag. Also a little Jujube.  Love her look though.

Alaska.  Sharon Needles’ boyfriend, yeah!  She came in wearing a horse mask, also, and is wearing trashbag couture.

Honey Mahogany.  Busted.

Ivy Winters.  Wearing garbage.  Used to work as a clown.  Still does.

Monica Beverly Hills.  Dita Ritz?  Is that you?

Lineysha Sparx.  A PR queen, wearing a goooorgeous yellow sculptural thingamajigger.

Coco Montrese.  In leopard print.  She and Alyssa Edwards have some history involving not speaking in two years, a pageant tore their friendship apart.  This is going to be fantastic.

Fourteen girls enter, only one will win.  I can’t wait!

Mike Ruiz is on hand for the girls’ first photoshoot–an underwater glamour shot.  Serve fish, Mike says.  So clever.  The girls have to look glam and fab as the water destroys their wigs, this is joyful.  Jade Jolie says she was giving Helen Keller drowning realness.  Detox gets a GREAT shot.  Jinx Monsoon can’t swim, loses her contacts.  These photoshoots are engineered for maximum queen humiliation and this one, of course, does not disappoint.  Also, Alaska quits the photoshoot?  Whoa.  I figured a theme this season would be: “Can Alaska fill Sharon’s giant shoes?”  I just figured that it would develop a bit later on, not this early in the show.

Hahaha, Jinx just described herself as Seattle’s premiere Jewish narcoleptic drag queen, oh she’s going to be entertaining.  Anyways, Detox wins the photoshoot challenge–unsurprising, her photo was great!  Drowning bumblebee in paradise!

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The next day, the girls are sent on a tour of “Ruhollywood” which will culminate in a shopping spree.  The tour consists of the girls lip synching to a RuPaul song, matched with shots of celebrity judges who will presumably appear later on in the season.  So like, a little music video montage.  I keep mistaking Latoya Jackson for Jujube, oops.

The girls are dropped off at Marco Marco where Camille Grammar appears to direct the girls to a special VIP area.  The VIP area is a broke-ass alley full of dumpsters and a giant in a pink hazmat suit.  Said giant is of course Ru, and I am really hoping that the girls have to dig through the dumpsters for their fashion inspiration.  I think most of the girls were hoping for a Pretty Woman style fashion shopping spree montage, but this works too.  The girls will, indeed, need to mine the items in these dumpsters (they have one minute!) for their Hollywood chic something or other look. Ivy Winters, the queen who showed on day one wearing a skirt she’d made out of caution tape and trash, is probably just peeing herself right now since she loves wearing garbage.  Anyways, the ladies Angry Hulk each other going through the dumpsters, I’m shocked that no one got a stiletto to the eye.

As the queens undrag themselves in the workroom, Alaska runs around naked, and we evidently learn that she wore a horse mask to the beginning of the competition because she is hung like a horse.  Sharon Needles, truly a winner, in so many ways.

Ooooooh girl.
Ooooooh girl.

Speaking of Alaskan and Sharon!  The other queens are already throwing shade, saying that Alaska’s basically a bad Sharon.  Man, show, did you really just bring Alaska on to remind us how we do not have Sharon on the show anymore, because if that is the case then I am going to be mad.  Also sad.

Alyssa totally looks like Hugo Weaving in Priscilla out of drag.  It is disorienting.

Ru comes in to check out the outfits and to offer feelings.  Coco Montrese’s outfit, complete with odd Madonna cone boobs, perplexes Ru, but Ru skips over that to rehash the Coco/Alyssa drama.  No one is talking about it in details yet, I’m sure it will totally be not that interesting once we finally learn about it.

Roxxy Andrews just lost 70 pounds!  Good for her.  She’s still a big girl but she used to be a bigger girl, and she’s clearly loving her less big girl body so go her.  She has a fun attitude and confidence that I’m really liking so far.

Ru reminds Alaska that she has applied every season ever and then tells her not to quit like she did in the drowning tank–Alaska, prove to us that you are more than a broke-ass version of Sharon please, please!

Elimination day!  Requisite talk of fear, requisite rushing around trying to finish the trash can Hollywood couture.  Requisite shade-throwing.

More Sharon-Alaska shade!  The girls want to know: are they competitive?  Is it hard?  Do they hate each other?  Who is the top?!?  Some of the girls are clearly trying to needle (hurr) Alaska about Sharon.  Alaska admits that fighting definitely happened, jealousy definitely happened, but that Alaska was able to put aside the jealousy for pride once Sharon started being awesome, and now Alaska is Sharon’s biggest fan.  But man, Alyssa Edwards is being a huge bitch and will just not leave Alaska alone about Sharon.  I have to admit I am mildly nervous that Alaska might be the first to go home, which would just be the worst for her.

And then Serena ChaCha starts belting and singing and being bizarre and obnoxious.  And since she had already been going on about making her couture outfit performative…oi, girlfriend.  No fun.  Serena is already being set up as this season’s PhiPhi O’Hara.

To the runway!  Ru is wearing this gorgeous shimmery dress that keeps fluctuating from sky blue to teal to silver and I love it and her arms look particularly great and toned this season.  The judges are returning regulars Michelle Visage and Santino Rice, and guest judges Mike Ruiz and Camille Grammar (whyyyy).  Michelle’s boobs, as usual, are trying to explode out of their meager holdings.  Some things never change, and that makes me so happy.

Couture looks commence.  Roxy’s dress has some fun cut-outs, shows off her curves quite nicely.  Jinx Monsoon is so old-school Hollywood and Grecian, although there’s a weird puffy butt piece that does not work with the rest of the outfit.  Detox is in hot pink, Jem and the Holograms.  Ivy Winters is wearing a very lovely red dress, with a horrific hideous white-blonde wig.  Honey Mahogany’s gold look has so much going on, especially in the skirt and shoulders, it looks sort of a mess at first glance.  Jade Jolie’s outfit is fun and flirty although there might be too much going on in the head and shoulders.  Alyssa Edwards looks very Goth Thoroughly Modern Millie.  Penny Tration’s look is a bit boring, she might have played it too safe.  Coco Montrese’s look is a little insane but she is selling it, complete with a film reel hat, wow.  Vivenne Penay looks gorgeous but man she is reminiscent of Jujube and, yes, she is incredibly fishy.  Alaska’s blue-green saran wrap gown is actually beautiful, and she has a garbage bag purse.  Her walk isn’t the best but she looks great.  Lineysha Sparks looks gorgeous, wow, in a full skirted pinkish  gown with a dramatic shoulder piece and a high heeled head gear.  Lineysha is the total package, no question.   Monica Beverly Hills looks like a hooker and her makeup is busted.  Serena ChaCha and her “performative” dress is also quite a bit busted and her wig is sort of a disaster.  And that’s the short run on the couture looks!  Time for some shade throwing courtesy of the judges.

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Jinx Monsoon, Detox, Honey Mahogany, Monica Beverly Hills, Vivienne Penay, Alyssa Edwards, and Coco Montrese are all safe–which is good, but they did not “snatch the world’s attention at every turn.”  It is great to be safe but all the girls are disappointed that they did not make the comments section of the runway.  Ru reads them for being boring and you can see the girls tremble in their high heels.

The remaining ladies represent the best and the worst of the week.  Roxxy Andrews is clearly in the best (loving her!), and the judges adore it.  Michelle says she’d love to wear it.  Roxxy sucks up to the judges by saying that she was wearing RuPaul shoes she found in the dumpster, love it!  Ivy Winters is also in the top, the judges love her red dress, but Santino is disappointed that there was no trash involved in the outfit (considering she wore trash on day one this is surprising).  Jade Jolie is praised by Mike for having a sweet, soft voice, but Santino wants to rip some of the details away from her outfit–which, yes, it is so busy around the head and neck area.  Jade Jolie ingratiates herself with the judges by being cute, talking about Lisa Frank, unicorns, etc.  She might have been a bottom but now she’s a top, I bet, because she’s so charming!  The judges do not think that Penny Tration’s outfit is flattering and they think that her makeup is busted.  Alaska is up next–the outfit was hard to put on, she says, and Santino says that the outfit is gorgeous.  Michelle wants earrings but Alaska says she lost hers in the dumpster.  Alaska is likely in the top.  Lineysha Sparks look is great, the judges love the whole thing, I do too, not surprising.  Roxxy Andrews and Lineysha are likely in the top two, and deservingly so.  Serena ChaCha, hot mess, the judges hate it, hate the shape, think she looks like a boy, think the makeup is jarring. Agreed, judges!

All right kids, just between us goils, time for the judges to talk it out!  The one thing that I am disappointed with was that there was no Sharon Needles blood from the mouth moment, no contestant really caused me to gasp, and that’s such a bummer.  I just remember how excited I was when Sharon pulled that stunt in the first episode of season 1–girlfriend opened her mouth, oozed blood, and I said: “BITCH IS GOING TO WIN THIS ENTIRE COMPETITION.”  And she did.  Roxxy and Lineysha were just gorgeous but they did not make me gasp.   I’m worried there’s not going to be a clear front-runner stunner this season, someone who can really move drag forward, but it is a bit early to decide that, isn’t it.   Anyways, while I am here throwing shade, the judges are rehashing all the comments from above regarding the girls, so we’ll regroup when the contestants come back.

And the girls are back!  Ivy and her gorgeous red gown are safe.  Alaska is also safe, good for you girl, you can do it!  Roxxy Andrews wins the challenge–I am loving this queen already.  She wins a custom gown from Marco Marco and immunity in next week’s competition.  Well done girl!  Lineysha is mad–she easily could have won the runway challenge, but she is merely safe.  Whatever queen, you show them next week.  Serena ChaCha, hot mess disaster, is in the bottom two–I don’t think anyone would mind if she was sent home.  Jade Jolie is safe, and is given the word of advice to edit.  I’m glad my Gainesville queen is safe, go Gators!  Penny Tration, People’s Choice, is going to be lip synching against Serena ChaCha.  THE TIME HAS COME.

They lip sync to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA.”  Both queens are sort of awful, if you want my honest opinion.  But Serena Chacha is doing all the splits and dancey dancey, while Penny Tration doesn’t know the words, so I’m thinking that Serena Chacha is going to win (sadly).   And, indeed, Serena ChaCha does win.  Farewell, Penny Tration, the people may have chosen, but they didn’t choose all that well clearly.  Sorry squirrelfriend.  The queens are pretty disappointed that Penny Tration did not turn it out–so am I, Serena ChaCha is annoying, but every season needs its villain.

All right squirrel friends, I hope you had as much fun with episode one as I did!  I’m going to sit back and enjoy Masterpiece Classic’s Untucked now–until next week, if you don’t love yourselves, how the hell you gonna love someone else!?!?  Amen.

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